Directed By: Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
Starring: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Chris Riggi, Diedrich Bader, & Ken Jeong
MPAA Rating: PG-13
My Rating: 1 / 10
I am at a complete loss to understand how anyone could make a spoof of The Twilight Saga and not be able to provide one single laugh...not a chuckle, not a smile, not even a smirk. Alas, leave it to Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the most consistently awful filmmakers working in Hollywood, to do just that. They have a long history of making godawful movies...think Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans, and Disaster Movie. But, I would wager that none of their past releases have had this must potential or been this unfunny. Let's face it, Twihards, when you are swooning over Robert Pattinson staring lovingly at a moody Kristen Stewart, there is a part of you...however slight...that wants to burst out laughing. Of course, you don't, lest you be jumped while leaving the midnight screening in your "Team Jacob" T-shirt. I get it...I'm a fan of the franchise, but I totally see the humor in it. It's melodramatic and overly-serious, almost to the point of being a comedy, itself. Such a great spoof movie could have been made about The Twilight Saga...but I don't think there is a great movie in Jason Friedberg or Aaron Seltzer, or even a mediocre one. There is only one type of movie this pair knows how to make...one that is completely, undeniably awful.
If you are the kind of person who might enjoy a spoof of Twilight...you know who you are...then you probably left the theater, cracking jokes about it and parodying Robert Pattinson's brooding facial expressions. I would bet that every joke you came up with, no matter how unfunny of a person you might be, was better than any joke you will find in Vampires Suck. This is the kind of movie where Edward (Matt Lanter) steps into the sunlight, begins to sparkle, and then turns around to reveal his "bling." Hardee-har-har. In another scene, when the three bad guys surround their next victim and give the cliched "Do you know who we are?" line, the victim stares at them blankly, and then says "The Black Eyed Peas?" Ha ha ha. It's the kind of movie where the writers depend on "clever" name changes for a good laugh. Edward Cullen becomes Edward Sullen (Get it...get it?). Jacob Black becomes Jacob White...yeah, seriously. And Bella Swan becomes...Becca Crane. Are you laughing yet? It's the kind of movie where, when they can't come up with a joke, the writers just have someone get kicked in the groin, hit in the face, or knocked over...because, you know, that's true comedy.
I thought about using the oh-so-clever "Vampires Suck sucks" statement to end this review. But, really, this movie is so far worse than just saying, "It sucks" would imply. I know that there is a certain level of curiousity that might drive some viewers to see this...Twihard will see it for their love of vampires, while Twihaters will see it to have their dislike played out on screen...but, in all honesty, Vampires Suck isn't going to appeal to anyone, because it is just a truly awful movie. What makes this movie become infuriatingly bad is that its star, Jenn Proske, really gives it her all. Her ability to mock Kristen Stewart's quirky mannerisms and blatant social discomfort could have been genuinely funny, if she had a better script on her side. Sadly, she doesn't here. Put this girl on Saturday Night Live, and I imagine she would blossom into a great comic actress. It's almost unbearable to watch her try to be funny, while the writers, the directors, and even the rest of the cast (Matt Lanter really needs to sever ties with this bunch) don't even try at all. What's worse is that this movie made $36 million (just domestically) on a $20 million budget...so this probably isn't the last time we'll see Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer making a crappy spoof movie. I'm hoping that, next time, they decide to spoof their own movies. With that much material to work with, it couldn't possibly be as awful as Vampires Suck...right?
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